its jus a dinner but right now im so upset and angry. i lost my appetite.. im boiling with anger.. so much anger.. they are fking bias... im so filled with sadness.. everything feel dark.. its so unfair.. life is unfair to start with... so fking bias..

when i was young. they always say im old. dono how to think. now they said my bro is young.. UNFAIR!!! in compare.. i was that age too. why do they always say things differently. fine.. they like boys more.. den if so regret. why don they just kill me already. its killing my inside so badly...

when i was younger. they taught me value. but rite now.. those vaule seem like nothing.. all fake.. a kids shouldnt jus eat wat they like. cos others wan a share too.. but now when my bro do it. they jus said. eat go n eat. there are more.. how is that even fkin fair.. i tried to said wat they said to be when i was younger. and they jus told him eat.. where does all the values go now. its not fair! they don scold him!!! always side him..

when i try voice out. i got my voice covered. that not even fair.. and all the insult is always on me.. blame is on me too.. den they will say. if we din love u. u will grow up so big. yea right. cos back den. there is no HIM! a hate for him is boiling in my heart.. a big fat hate. so this is how hatred grow.. not jus done alone. but by everyone else that play a part.. elder people always favour boys. even on tv show. they wan male babys. why??

they don even teach him values now. n when i scold him. they act like they din even hear it... argh... i wish im dead. im gone. i do even wan see anymore. and u know wat fking worst... she wan me promise to lend him money in future if he need. when they are gone. BULL SHYT! HIS NOT EVEN WORTH MY HELP! EVERYTHING ALSO WAN BUY. WAN SPEND MONEY. LIKE A SPOILT BRAT. LIKE SOMEONE WHO WASTE MONEY. WHY SHOULD I HELP HIM. WHY! SO WAT IF HIS MY BRO. I DON GET TO CHOOSE MY FAMILY. ITS SO UNFAIR..

i also wanna be loved too.. but.. wat they shown are otherwise.. he get the loved. the protection. while he can be a coward behind those arm. even his shyt. i needa do for him. all he fking needa do is act stupid. saying that he dono. and he get every fking thing done. for him.. so fking spoonfeed. im feelin so angry right now... flaming with so much anger. why do i have to do everything for him! why!! jus cos im older? i wish im younger too.. i wish i have a older bro to take care of me too.. but its all wish.. it would nv happen.. even his letter. i need read for him.

everything in the house. when my mom wan e-mail. i need help. wan play game. i need help. that bastard also know how to do. why don ask him. he is behind u. why don ask him. why ask me knowin im busy too. den say i don help family.. m i the only one in family? wat bout him? why keep saying his still a kid. fkin pls. his so old already.. when i was his age. u guys keep saying im old.. not a kid.. so why now all the contridict?!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!! u guys are not being very fair at all!!! NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!

it hurt so much. do u even know. NO U DON!~ U JUS YELL N YELL AND ALWAYS AT ME!! INSULT LIKE IT DOESNT MATTER! MAKING ME DON EVEN WANNA SPEAK A WORD. i always have to jus follow wat u said. with no mind of my own at all... with no says.. jus a robot.. or a slave. when the master say move left.. i have to move left. or i get whipped.

i wanna act stupid like idk a thing a thing too. so i don have to carry ur burden. the load u give me all the time.. im tired too u know.. but u don.. do u know how much grieve and anger i have.. that i don even wanna tell u anymore cos its useless.. its not goin to help any single thing.. cos u wont do anything. even if i tell you. u will jus forget bout it all.. THE NEXT DAY. when u fkin wake up from sleep... u can even forgot wat u jus told me. n tell me all over agian.. why did i care so much.. so wat if there is blood line.. i might not even be ur child.. god damn it... is that why u verbally and mentally abused me?

right now.. i jus feel like drinkin and forgettin everything,. but i know very well.. drinkin is nto goin to help at all. it only make me more clear and mroe upset.. everything is useless. this world is pretty maeningless..